Mediocrity

Okay, I have lost my standards.  I put up with emotional bullying so that I can have help with difficult tasks.  I’m getting new carpet and switching my kids room from the smallest to the largest room so that all their toys can fit in there and they can share a room since baby is getting big enough to sleep outside our bed.  My pelvis is still broken, I need his help.  Although he is physically helping me, I wonder at what emotional cost.  He bitches and complains the entire time stating what a horrible day this is.  He is a terrible example to the kids.  However, he is trying to put them both to bed right now for naptime since when he is here they want him to put them down.  My boy doesn’t get his daddy all the time so when he does, he is determined to have him by his side 24/7.

My mom is coming for the week to help with packing up the house.  That’s another topic to be discussed later.  But I talk to her husband and thank him for lending her to us for the week.  He replies how hard it will be on him.  I question his seriousness of that remark.  He states that it feels for him the same way I would feel if my kids were away from me for a week.  wow! I was floored! To have a partner love you and miss you as much as I love my kids?! I became quickly envious.  My guy wouldn’t miss me for a second.  His kids? Yes.  But me? Not a chance.  I wish I didn’t need him so much so that I could try.  So I could see if he really would miss me around.  But my kids.  My poor kids.  I would never deprive them of their daddy just so that he could find out how much he is taking for granted.

He promises he would never miss me.  He would never regret being a dick to me.  I significantly dislike my life with him.  I am so exhausted being with someone who complains the entire time.  I try to kiss him he turns away.  I cook gourmet meals for him and he won’t eat it or if he does the kindest words he has are it’s okay.  This man is killing me, but how do I turn away the father of my kids?  He physically helps me so much! Is the emotional worth the lack of physical help?

I don’t like how I feel with him.  I don’t like the effect he has on me.  My life is wasting wasting wasting away slowly slowly.  I have to leave him.  I have to.  It feels impossible.  I am that girl.  I am that woman.  How pathetic.  All my clients who I tried so hard to motivate to leave their abusive relationships… it’s not that easy when it’s all you have ever known.

I tried to call my dad yesterday to get some support from him.  He just yelled at me for putting myself in this situation.  Then he tried to pawn me off on his girlfriend so he wouldn’t have to be there for me.  Frustrating.  Alone.  Fuck Fuck Fuck!  I feel so inadequate.  I need to go back to AA.  Not because I want to drink, because I have absolutely ZERO desire.  But because I’m emotionally empty and alone and in AA was the only time I felt connected and loved and supported and a part of.  It’s been 2 years.  I wonder if it would be the same.