Author: realmama

Patterns, routines, binds… why is the situation the same? Why was my mom destined to suffer in relationship and now I must despite my most conscious efforts? Kiddos’ dad no different except he doesn’t help much anymore with anything.  He abandons us in dangerous places and cuts off our credit cards.  So at first I thought it was just him, but now I’m a part of a board and there are a gaggle of ladies who are against me! Many people adore me and are for me and super grateful for my efforts.  But there the old guard is angry that I am there working so hard to make it the best it can be.  It doesn’t matter what I say, it is rejected.  Even when the same thing I say is brought up by someone else, it is heralded! I toil and do other people’s job and no gratitude.  Just attitude.  I try to approach them in kindess and understanding and am ignored.  Why can’t I find my people? This world is so hard.  Other blogs had cursing and some immaturity.  I’ve read the Bible now, so I’m trying to be appropriate and holy.  God is love, so I’m trying to show love and not feel hate.  But these ladies and the kids dad are very hard to feel love for! What am I doing wrong that it’s not like water off a ducks back? How did Jesus not be damaged when people spat at him and crucified him? I feel soooo alone and sad.  Kingdom come! Kingdom come! NO one real reads this so it’s just my attempt to get it out of my body so it doesn’t plague me and I can hope that someone somewhere will hear me and connect with me on a real Christ-centered level.

Yep- its been awhile.  Been surviving- raising my little active angels alone.  Its mothers day this weekend and yet again- no acknowledgment for me although I do more than most with no help.  Im so resentful and I dont know how to get it out since I have no time or options to get out my anger.

2 toddlers, two bunnies, two kitties, 1 elderly dog all rely on me 100% for full time care and nurturing.  I still am healing from my fractured pelvis and have no family or partner or friends willing or available to help.

Im so goddamn lonely. No one to reflect back to me about how hard I work. Hands cracked and bleeding from so much washing and planting and cleaning and cooking.  5 hours sleep at most…. endless cleaning.  I feel like a servant…. being a parent feels like being a servant.  Yet I am told by their father how I have it so easy since all I do is care for the kids.  WTF?! Ive worked since I was 7- and full time mommy is by far the most taxing job I have ever had.  And I have had stressful jobs! CPS social worker, waitress, airline supervisor, group home house parent, retail.  Been spit at, threatened, twisted arm and tables thrown at during these jobs.  But at least I had breaks or co workers or bosses or an end to my shift.  I never ever have down time.

When their father visits- I am still the one to care for the kids- he just plays or puts them in front of the phone.

And he bitches about how he has to work.  His mom cooks and cleans for him every day.  He works out every day, fishes every week, plays poker, steams… gets 8 hour sleep.  Total chill easy life…. yet he yells at me and puts me down.

No appreciation, no help, nothing!!!!! Im fucking furious!!!

I normally am good- I dont need anything from anyone- but tonight? I do!!!!!

Dont get me wrong-  I adore my babies and my  life and wouldn’t trade it for the world,  but sometimes I need to vent my frustrations to stay cool and this is my avenue to do that.

Peace.

Ughhhh- online dating sucks!!! But if my entire life is centered around my children how in the world do I meet someone any other way? The previous post is what I wrote on a conscious dating site.  Please let me know what you thing.  I have no hits which surprises me and doesn’t surprise me.  I think I’m pretty great! I would want to date me! But no one is biting.  True I won’t post a photo publicly but on a spiritual site, wouldn’t you think people are beyond that?  I’m obviously willing to send privately to someone after reading my site but it doesn’t seem like my professions of being a strong powerful woman are attractive to anyone.  It’s  so frustrating how independent fierce woman are so feared and despised- we used to be worshiped.

I left him or at least I suggested it and didn’t beg him to stay when he stormed out!  As you may or may no be able to imagine- the process of getting to this point and moving through it has left me little time to write let alone shower or brush my hair!

I am now a single mom to two precious toddlers age 1 and 2.  I have no family help and their father visits them once a week. During this visit he makes up for lost time by continuing to berate me and be viscous but after talking with many family law attorneys- it seems family court is a wild card and its better to steer clear.  So Im still subjected to his emotional abuse but at least the kids are happier and at more peace without the drama of his presence more often.

However- man am I tired!!!!! I dont know of many single moms of two babies with no one around to help! Where are my peers? I need support!!! I cant help but feel frustrated that their father is living it up being cooked for by friends and family, going to the gym every night and steaming and getting 9 hours sleep a night while I average 5 hours because Im not only raising my two babies alone but Im also running my own business from home too!!! I honestly amaze myself but my own amazement isnt what I crave.  I want to be acknowledged! I want to be offered kuddos or support! I want to be seen and heard and appreciated.

I was telling my friend this on the phone today and my sweet 2 year old came up to me and said- I see you Mommy! Wow!  My heart almost exploded with love and gratitude! I know he meant see with eyes- but it still felt profound and powerful!

I have so much more to say but my living room looks like a hurricane of toys struck so I must clean up before tomorrow’s playdate and business customer come over.

See me….. a knowledge me…. relate to me….. understand me…. appreciate me….

I have always stayed in the relationship mostly because I reasoned that he was so wonderful to the kids, despite being unloving or unemotional and, at times, emotionally abuse to me. However, tonight, he crossed that boundary.  My sweet son was asking for a snack in the grocery store over and over and his father told him him to shut up.  I asked him, what did you say? He said that he can say whatever he wants to his son and then proceeded to tell me to shut up! I closed my mouth because I don’t want to cause a scene in front of my child and make a bad situation worse.  My son is very sensitive to our arguments so I try to keep the peace.  I know I have to end this.  Telling your kids and your “partner” to shut up is crossing the line for me.  Not any type of existence I want.  Earlier in the day, I felt depressed because I spent the week with my mother who drains me and then the next few days with the kids’ father who shows not an inch of affection or care.  He mostly makes small little jabs at me that slowly little by little suck away my energy and joy.  I am left empty and lifeless.  He tells me to go to a meeting so I can feel good again. All I need is a little pat on my hand from him, maybe a kiss just maybe.  But nothing.  I know from past attempts that to ask for these things will mean an argument.  It’s pointless now to ask.  It’s better to just keep the calm for my babies.  He will be back to work tomorrow and I can slowly recover from his injuries only to be bullied again next weekend.  Father’s Day.  Great.  He is usually a great father despite being a horrible boyfriend.  I have gotten him a personalized hammer from his children.  I will take him out to eat Pho for breakfast (his favorite) and give him a card and balloons.  I will make him a Cambodian dinner.  I want to end this charade of a “relationship”.  It is slowly killing me and plummeting me deeper and deeper into depression.  But it feels almost impossible to do this alone.  Taking care of my 2 year old and 8 month old is hard alone without anyone around.  I am also still injured from re-breaking my pelvis in childbirth so physical activity that requires heavy lifting is not in the cards for me. He does the dishes when he is here and does things that are hard for me to do. Yes he bitches about it.  Yes, I could hire someone to do it.  But I have no money or job and I want to continue raising my children.  I do not want to go back to social work.  It is too painful and I am no longer able to maintain objectivity.  I no longer have compassion for anyone who messes with their children in a significantly abusive way that threatens their life and safety.  Now that I have kids, it is very personal.  I must remember that my mother is NOT a support to me.  She has bolts missing and causes me great despair.  She may parade as loving and helpful, but after a few days with her, the truth comes out.  She is selfish, childish, shallow and ungrateful and self-centered as well as ignorant.  She also continues to call the man who repeatedly abused me as a child, sweetheart and honey.  F her.  Get out of my life you incompetent fake being.

Why can I not leave him? Why do I hold on to something that is nothing? Why can I not embrace my Goddess self and stop putting up with this bullshit? Because he makes certain things possible.  He puts the children to bed when he is here.  He stays with them when I need to get a massage or go to the grocery store or see a movie when something is out that I want to see.  He affords me some nice opportunities that I wouldn’t have as a single mother.  Plus he is great with the kids and they adore him truly.

I’m lost and I need God.  I ask God every night to either give me the strength and support necessary to leave or to open his heart to show kindness and love to me.  I don’t feel that either is occurring.  Please dear Lord, bestow these gifts upon me.  I don’t want my children to internalize our struggle.  I want my kids to know a happy light-hearted joyful mother.  That is the woman I am.  That is the woman he met.  He was like that too when I met him.  We killed eachother’s joy.  The only thing we made that was beautiful was our children.

Okay, I have lost my standards.  I put up with emotional bullying so that I can have help with difficult tasks.  I’m getting new carpet and switching my kids room from the smallest to the largest room so that all their toys can fit in there and they can share a room since baby is getting big enough to sleep outside our bed.  My pelvis is still broken, I need his help.  Although he is physically helping me, I wonder at what emotional cost.  He bitches and complains the entire time stating what a horrible day this is.  He is a terrible example to the kids.  However, he is trying to put them both to bed right now for naptime since when he is here they want him to put them down.  My boy doesn’t get his daddy all the time so when he does, he is determined to have him by his side 24/7.

My mom is coming for the week to help with packing up the house.  That’s another topic to be discussed later.  But I talk to her husband and thank him for lending her to us for the week.  He replies how hard it will be on him.  I question his seriousness of that remark.  He states that it feels for him the same way I would feel if my kids were away from me for a week.  wow! I was floored! To have a partner love you and miss you as much as I love my kids?! I became quickly envious.  My guy wouldn’t miss me for a second.  His kids? Yes.  But me? Not a chance.  I wish I didn’t need him so much so that I could try.  So I could see if he really would miss me around.  But my kids.  My poor kids.  I would never deprive them of their daddy just so that he could find out how much he is taking for granted.

He promises he would never miss me.  He would never regret being a dick to me.  I significantly dislike my life with him.  I am so exhausted being with someone who complains the entire time.  I try to kiss him he turns away.  I cook gourmet meals for him and he won’t eat it or if he does the kindest words he has are it’s okay.  This man is killing me, but how do I turn away the father of my kids?  He physically helps me so much! Is the emotional worth the lack of physical help?

I don’t like how I feel with him.  I don’t like the effect he has on me.  My life is wasting wasting wasting away slowly slowly.  I have to leave him.  I have to.  It feels impossible.  I am that girl.  I am that woman.  How pathetic.  All my clients who I tried so hard to motivate to leave their abusive relationships… it’s not that easy when it’s all you have ever known.

I tried to call my dad yesterday to get some support from him.  He just yelled at me for putting myself in this situation.  Then he tried to pawn me off on his girlfriend so he wouldn’t have to be there for me.  Frustrating.  Alone.  Fuck Fuck Fuck!  I feel so inadequate.  I need to go back to AA.  Not because I want to drink, because I have absolutely ZERO desire.  But because I’m emotionally empty and alone and in AA was the only time I felt connected and loved and supported and a part of.  It’s been 2 years.  I wonder if it would be the same.

And this is why I try so hard.   For the past few days, life has been magical again short of re-injuring my pelvis to the point of blood coming out of my orifice.  He has written beautiful notes to me and has been generally kind and supportive.  This I can live with.  This I enjoy.  This is what needs to continue.  I will share more of what transpired between last post and this post soon. For now, this sleep deprived mama needs some zzzzs.

I was feeling so good! I created a blog, a potluck group, and met a new mama who I’m going to do playdates with.  Then this man who calls me a bitch, says he understands why I was beaten, threatens to spit in my face, calls me a cry baby when tears fill my eyes, and repeatedly says he doesn’t care about me or what I feel comes traipsing in.  Huh? You just want to stroll on in like nothing happened? I don’t thing so.  I may have a broken pelvis and have no family around to help or money to support us but I will not be a victim.  Oh no- not this warrior mama.  I was subjected to that as a child and it has taken my entire life to recover.  Apparently I haven’t even recovered if I’m in the same type of situation since it feels comfortable and familiar to my poor sweet nervous system.  But I adore my kids too much to put them in a similar scenario.  The difference is he is kind to the kids and my father was not.  However, he does hate me and treat me similar to the way my father treated my mother.

So I’m putting my baby to sleep and he comes in saying he wants to so I let him.  She starts wailing.  I give him 15 minutes.  She’s wailing to the point of screaming and throwing up.  I come in and her face is swollen and blotchy, her nose is bubbling with snot and her eyes are puffy pink lumps.  My poor darling.  I swoop her into my arms and she momentarily relaxes.  The man just hovers looking at her.  I ask him to leave since it’s weird that he is just looming over us.  She’s not going to bed but sneezing and rubbing her eyes and blowing raspberries.  I deduce that she is teething since she won’t take my boob and is drooling incessantly and gnawing on her fingers.  After an hour of her not going to sleep I reluctantly give her some infant liquid acetaminophen for the pain and within 5 minutes, she’s asleep.  Right after I gave her the dose, he lingers there.  He says he wants to try putting her to sleep again.  I say I don’t feel like leaving her since last time I did, her face puffed up, she got a snuffy nose and became worked up.  He said, “don’t blame me! if you would let me play my music for her, she would be asleep already. But your stupid rules don’t let me put her to sleep!”  I had to ignore him since I have to focus on my baby girl and he is just trying to find something to throw in my face and argue with me about.  His music is Cambodian pop music and always keeps her alert and awake.  Regardless, now this man is my back room.  I wrote him the following text that I watched him read, but he did not respond.  He’s just lingering in my guest room.  Creepy.  Go away.  Here’s my text:

“You call me a bitch, say I deserved to be beat up, threaten to spit in my face, call me a cry baby for starting to cry, say you don’t care about me, and punish me for asking for 2 hours to myself by leaving for 1 month. I can’t live like that. Cambodian New Year was great- that’s the man who makes me happy. The other one makes me feel like I’m dead inside. I can’t live with a man who feels such hated for me. Why did u come back? You don’t feel sorry and say I deserve it which no woman does. So if you don’t feel sorry and it will happen again and it’s how you feel- why are you here? The back and forth is fuxking with my and the kids’ heads. The happiest time of my life is being robbed. No matter how hard I try, you hate me and will put me down and spread your unhappiness to me. I can only move forward with love, kindness and understanding. Unless you feel those things for me there is no reason for us. I’m pretty sure I know your answer since you tell me over and over you don’t care about me and would rather get away from me…. So go- stop hating and punishing me. I deserve love, help, comfort and support. That’s it. And gratitude. When you came home my energy left and my spirit died. How can I share a roof with someone who wants to beat me up? Bad energy.”

So he kept true to his promise and didn’t come home.  Although I still set him aside a plate and continued to glance out the window for his van, I felt invigorated today! The absence of his negativity actually increased my energy! 🙂 I am a powerful beautiful woman who will not believe the lies he tells me about myself.  I have done everything in my power to make him happy, yet it is not enough.  I did not cook when we met much, but I cook these elaborate gourmet meals that are his cultural cuisine in order to please him.  I support him having week nights away from the home so he can relax and sleep without being awoken by his children.  I am intimate with him whenever he is in the mood, in fact, I initiate it most of the time. At least I can be proud of myself for doing everything I possible could to make my children’s father happy.  The rest is up to him.  But there will be no more emotional abuse.

In order to ensure this, I will create a community of fellow like minded women.  A tribe.  A sisterhood.  This unity and bond will strengthen us so that this type of situation does not rear its unsavory head in our lives again!