I was feeling so good! I created a blog, a potluck group, and met a new mama who I’m going to do playdates with. Then this man who calls me a bitch, says he understands why I was beaten, threatens to spit in my face, calls me a cry baby when tears fill my eyes, and repeatedly says he doesn’t care about me or what I feel comes traipsing in. Huh? You just want to stroll on in like nothing happened? I don’t thing so. I may have a broken pelvis and have no family around to help or money to support us but I will not be a victim. Oh no- not this warrior mama. I was subjected to that as a child and it has taken my entire life to recover. Apparently I haven’t even recovered if I’m in the same type of situation since it feels comfortable and familiar to my poor sweet nervous system. But I adore my kids too much to put them in a similar scenario. The difference is he is kind to the kids and my father was not. However, he does hate me and treat me similar to the way my father treated my mother.
So I’m putting my baby to sleep and he comes in saying he wants to so I let him. She starts wailing. I give him 15 minutes. She’s wailing to the point of screaming and throwing up. I come in and her face is swollen and blotchy, her nose is bubbling with snot and her eyes are puffy pink lumps. My poor darling. I swoop her into my arms and she momentarily relaxes. The man just hovers looking at her. I ask him to leave since it’s weird that he is just looming over us. She’s not going to bed but sneezing and rubbing her eyes and blowing raspberries. I deduce that she is teething since she won’t take my boob and is drooling incessantly and gnawing on her fingers. After an hour of her not going to sleep I reluctantly give her some infant liquid acetaminophen for the pain and within 5 minutes, she’s asleep. Right after I gave her the dose, he lingers there. He says he wants to try putting her to sleep again. I say I don’t feel like leaving her since last time I did, her face puffed up, she got a snuffy nose and became worked up. He said, “don’t blame me! if you would let me play my music for her, she would be asleep already. But your stupid rules don’t let me put her to sleep!” I had to ignore him since I have to focus on my baby girl and he is just trying to find something to throw in my face and argue with me about. His music is Cambodian pop music and always keeps her alert and awake. Regardless, now this man is my back room. I wrote him the following text that I watched him read, but he did not respond. He’s just lingering in my guest room. Creepy. Go away. Here’s my text:
“You call me a bitch, say I deserved to be beat up, threaten to spit in my face, call me a cry baby for starting to cry, say you don’t care about me, and punish me for asking for 2 hours to myself by leaving for 1 month. I can’t live like that. Cambodian New Year was great- that’s the man who makes me happy. The other one makes me feel like I’m dead inside. I can’t live with a man who feels such hated for me. Why did u come back? You don’t feel sorry and say I deserve it which no woman does. So if you don’t feel sorry and it will happen again and it’s how you feel- why are you here? The back and forth is fuxking with my and the kids’ heads. The happiest time of my life is being robbed. No matter how hard I try, you hate me and will put me down and spread your unhappiness to me. I can only move forward with love, kindness and understanding. Unless you feel those things for me there is no reason for us. I’m pretty sure I know your answer since you tell me over and over you don’t care about me and would rather get away from me…. So go- stop hating and punishing me. I deserve love, help, comfort and support. That’s it. And gratitude. When you came home my energy left and my spirit died. How can I share a roof with someone who wants to beat me up? Bad energy.”