I have always stayed in the relationship mostly because I reasoned that he was so wonderful to the kids, despite being unloving or unemotional and, at times, emotionally abuse to me. However, tonight, he crossed that boundary. My sweet son was asking for a snack in the grocery store over and over and his father told him him to shut up. I asked him, what did you say? He said that he can say whatever he wants to his son and then proceeded to tell me to shut up! I closed my mouth because I don’t want to cause a scene in front of my child and make a bad situation worse. My son is very sensitive to our arguments so I try to keep the peace. I know I have to end this. Telling your kids and your “partner” to shut up is crossing the line for me. Not any type of existence I want. Earlier in the day, I felt depressed because I spent the week with my mother who drains me and then the next few days with the kids’ father who shows not an inch of affection or care. He mostly makes small little jabs at me that slowly little by little suck away my energy and joy. I am left empty and lifeless. He tells me to go to a meeting so I can feel good again. All I need is a little pat on my hand from him, maybe a kiss just maybe. But nothing. I know from past attempts that to ask for these things will mean an argument. It’s pointless now to ask. It’s better to just keep the calm for my babies. He will be back to work tomorrow and I can slowly recover from his injuries only to be bullied again next weekend. Father’s Day. Great. He is usually a great father despite being a horrible boyfriend. I have gotten him a personalized hammer from his children. I will take him out to eat Pho for breakfast (his favorite) and give him a card and balloons. I will make him a Cambodian dinner. I want to end this charade of a “relationship”. It is slowly killing me and plummeting me deeper and deeper into depression. But it feels almost impossible to do this alone. Taking care of my 2 year old and 8 month old is hard alone without anyone around. I am also still injured from re-breaking my pelvis in childbirth so physical activity that requires heavy lifting is not in the cards for me. He does the dishes when he is here and does things that are hard for me to do. Yes he bitches about it. Yes, I could hire someone to do it. But I have no money or job and I want to continue raising my children. I do not want to go back to social work. It is too painful and I am no longer able to maintain objectivity. I no longer have compassion for anyone who messes with their children in a significantly abusive way that threatens their life and safety. Now that I have kids, it is very personal. I must remember that my mother is NOT a support to me. She has bolts missing and causes me great despair. She may parade as loving and helpful, but after a few days with her, the truth comes out. She is selfish, childish, shallow and ungrateful and self-centered as well as ignorant. She also continues to call the man who repeatedly abused me as a child, sweetheart and honey. F her. Get out of my life you incompetent fake being.
Why can I not leave him? Why do I hold on to something that is nothing? Why can I not embrace my Goddess self and stop putting up with this bullshit? Because he makes certain things possible. He puts the children to bed when he is here. He stays with them when I need to get a massage or go to the grocery store or see a movie when something is out that I want to see. He affords me some nice opportunities that I wouldn’t have as a single mother. Plus he is great with the kids and they adore him truly.
I’m lost and I need God. I ask God every night to either give me the strength and support necessary to leave or to open his heart to show kindness and love to me. I don’t feel that either is occurring. Please dear Lord, bestow these gifts upon me. I don’t want my children to internalize our struggle. I want my kids to know a happy light-hearted joyful mother. That is the woman I am. That is the woman he met. He was like that too when I met him. We killed eachother’s joy. The only thing we made that was beautiful was our children.